Well, that was disappointing. I was hoping to start the 'film club off with a movie of such 'so-bad-its-good' awesomeness that it would forever bond us together forever like a shared traumatic experience-but in the best way possible.
Unfortunately, for the club's initial pick I managed to find the one film in existence that manages to make both Nazis and clothed monkeys dull to watch.
Far from an unintentionally humorous b-movie, Order of the Black Eagle is instead unintentionally humorless. Alas, 'Eagle' thinks its a comedy. I'm all for a film being a bit tongue-in-cheek, this film chokes on itself. Very rarely when a film sets out to be a cult-classic is it ever anything deserving to be so.
Eagle straddles the line between spoof and rip-off so haphazardly that I suspect that the blooper reel may have accidently made it into the final edit. In many of the sequences, the Bond-ish Duncan Jax and his wacky posse of high-lariously named killers are competent enough at their jobs that it feels like any other film from the Rambo/Missing in Action era...but then the film tries to make the audience laugh and reeks of flop sweat (Jax coming out of a hideout surrounded by armed bandits pretending to be fa-lay-ming.)
Its not all a waste, however. While the first hour is dull and incomprehensible, the last third at least throws in some gratuitous explosions and awful, enthusiastic stunt work with the confusion.The Nazis' plan to take out the big African-American on the team, which involves trying to tackel him one at a time, has a special place in my heart.
Favorite moment:Jax's encounter with de führer
For discussion:
Is a movie that pretty much tells the audience that it knows its bad better or worse than one that's just as bad, but doesn't acknowledge it?
I have a theory that all the baboon scenes were added in later in order to play up the COMEDY (caps necessary, mind you)...anyone else believe this to be a believable scenario?
I noticed in the credits that the film is in memory of Flo Hyman, the former Olympic volleyball player who portrayed 'Spike.' Black Eagle was her only film role.
Did anyone else make it through? If so, let me know in the comments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No one's made any suggestions in the comments, yet---so it's my choice again.
After being a bit let down by my first selection, I'm going to stack the deck a bit and recruit Internet meme star and staunch Mike Huckabee supporter Chuck Norris for the next pick...1994's Hellbound.
Undercover cops Shatter (Chuck Norris) and Jackson (Calvin Levels) encounter an enemy far more dangerous than the murderers and gangsters they deal with on their Chicago beat in this supernatural thriller. A murder mystery leads the partners to the Holy Land, where they discover that Satan's messenger has awakened and is planning to conquer the world. Now, Shatter and Jackson must try to stop the powerful demon before evil invades the planet.Directed by Aaron Norris...so that's like...double the Norris or something.
Spooooooooky
Hellbound:Mess with this Chicago cop and there's hell to pay”
ReplyDeleteThis is an 80’s style cop movie made in the 90’s. I don’t know if they were trying to reincarnate Beverly Hills Cop or Miami Vice, but they didn’t succeed either way.
From the first scene you know you’re in for a classic. The iconic “Star Wars Text Scroll” describes the epic tale you are about to embark on. Rick James or I mean Officer Jackson may be one of the worst actors in cinematic history. His over the top comedic relief takes away any cool cop feel Hellbound attempts to pursue. Jackson’s great lines include, “I’m so hungry, I could eat the south end of north bound skunk” and “either this guys nuttier than a Snickers or we’re in some heavy duty shit here”. Sergeant Shatter (Chuck Norris) sticks to roundhouse kicks instead of dialogue as he does in most films. The voiceover work is something to be desired especially the devil emissary’s prostitute. And did anyone else think the Israeli child resembles “Short Round” from the Temple of Doom.
Ok, so enough of my attempt to be a film critic. With a couple of beers and friends I think this film could actually be enjoyable in a “cult film” way. Even though there is a lot to be desired; I kept engaged and wanted to see how the story developed. For a Chuck Norris Film I thought there would be more action. And the final scene lacks a climatic fight scene, but overall I’d give it a C for its ability to perpetuate Chuck Norris jokes.
Fact: Chuck Norris is so mythical he can defeat the Devil’s messenger with one fatal dart of a powerful scepter.
Ps. What was with the Jesus character?
I watched Order of the Black Eagle. All things considered, pretty awful.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your questions, Rosdail, I think a film that calls itself a spoof or satire but can't pull it off is much worse than a film that's deadly serious and never really gives that "wink" to the audience.
The baboon scenes, I would imagine, were left on the cutting room floor for the theatrical release; the version we watched was the Exclusive Limited Edition Extended Director's Cut, which can be found in the 6-disc "Secret Cigar Box Communicator Device" set.
Now, to watch Chuck Norris roundhouse some demons!
As I watched Hellbound, I tried to imagine how the synopsis on the back of the tattered VHS case would read. "One demon. One man. Two unstoppable forces collide. Sergeant Shatter (Chuck Norris) is about to have one hell of a day."
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, this was a lot more fun than that Black Eagle travesty. Chuck Norris may not be able to emote worth a lick, but he doesn't need to when he has iron wrecking balls for fists and razor-sharp propeller blades for legs and feet. I figured at some point the idiot henchmen would try something different than just running at Chuck full-force with their arms out, looking like they were preparing for the most hardcore bro-hug ever. But, alas, in movies like this, the hero gets to tear them to shreds through excessive use of slow motion. A roundhouse kick ALWAYS looks better at half speed, and a Chuck Norris kick is certainly no exception. I love Hellbound, because it really simplifies the solution to stopping a raving lunatic demon from bringing about armageddon. So many other heroes need to activate magical runes, read passages from ancient books or scrolls, or cross the streams. Not here. Chuck just gives the demon a few good kicks to the chops (one in slo-mo for good measure), and then tops it off with shouting "EAT THIS," as he spears him through the chest. There was a fleeting moment when I thought "eat this" was a signal that Chuck would skewer the guy through his mouth or shove it down his throat or something, so that was a bit disappointing. Oh well, one missed opportunity in a sea of others perfectly met.
Chuck gets to rip a few good one-liners, and the token black guy gets to say token black guy things, like "daaayyyummmm," "aw sheeeit," and "get off me, sucka!"
Favorite moment: Sgt. Shatter (best name ever) and his partner ask a monk what kind of crazy shit is going down in the dark ruins ahead. The monk replies by telling them to "leave...leeeave...LEAAVE!! LEEAAAAVE!!!!" in ever heightening pitch and tone. Guy's nuttier than a Snickers.
Second favorite moment: Jackson attempts to tackle Prosatanos (a Greek name, perhaps?) as they scramble for the magical sceptre, and falls hilariously short.
Favorite line: "Why dontcha just cut my nuts off wit' a dull-ass butta knife??" Det. Jackson (Token Black Guy)
***ATTENTION***
ReplyDeleteNext on the list: Krull.
Yes, this movie will be as awesome as its title. Watch the opening credits for at least one very familiar name. Hint: This actor has TAKEN a lot of action roles lately for some UNKNOWN reason.